On the 24th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

Merry, Merry Christmas  - New Kids on the Block - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic?  We gave you your dose of 90’s. We relieved the bad trip of the 00’s. Now enjoy your 80’s nostalgia! Swoon along with New Kids on the Block as they croon about still believing in Santa Claus and having funky, funky christmases. Your heart will be “rumpa pum pum” -ing in time! 

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: Kenny G “The Greatest Holiday Classics” - Rdio | Spotify (hoooly shit, this exists)
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 23rd day of December, my dealer gave to me….

We Won’t be Home for Christmas  -  Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? A shoutout to the haterz

“Well I guess it’s not cool to freak on Christmas Eve,
Cause the cops came and arrested me,
They had an unfair advantage.

And even though the jail didn’t have a tree,
Christmas came a night early,
Causes a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn).”

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: “Elvis Christmas” - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 22nd day of December, my dealer gave to me….

Pokemon Christmas Bash  -  Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? MY CHILDHOOD, YOU GUYS. MY CHILDHOOD IS BACK. Listen as the voice cast of Pokemon reads “The Night before Christmas” and sings about giving Santa a Pikachu this Christmas. BEST THING EVER.

(Also, heads up, some of the songs are named wrong on Spotify)

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: “Merry Christmas” by Mariah Carey - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 21st day of December, my dealer gave to me….

A Very Special Christmas 7  -  Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? At first glance, the track listing suggests this album isn’t too bad. But then Miley Cyrus pops up to assault your ears by screeching “Rockin’ around the The Christmas Tree”, with back-up from Vanessa Hudgens’ “Winter Wonderland” and Ashely Tisdale’s “Last Christmas”. To add insult to injury, Sean Kingston is allowed to cover “The Little Drummer Boy” and someone somewhere actually took Leighton Meester seriously as a singer. And don’t get me started on what Mitchel Musso has done to “Jingle Bell Rock”. All together, a wonderful collection of people who can’t sing worth a shit. 

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: “Home Alone” Soundtrack- Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 19th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

Home for the Holidays  - *NSync - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? I gotta be honest with you, gentle viewers. I was never a Backstreet Boys girl - it was *NSync all the way for me. Something about them appealed to my teeny-bopper soul. Maybe it was Justin’s crunchy curls. Or Chris’s multi-color dreads. Or Joey’s weird facial hair that made him look kind of like a distant relative of Guy from “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”. But whatever it was, it kept me glued to TRL and Carson Daly rolling in money. So here I share with you my own addiction. Oh, *NSync, how I wish I could quit you.

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: “Elf” Soundtrack- Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 18th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

Don’t Come Home for Christmas  - Jeff Dunham - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? WHY. WHY. WHY DOES THIS ALBUM EXIST. WHY DOES JEFF DUNHAM NEED TO SING. AS PUPPETS. WHILE TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF IN 3RD PERSON. WHY. 

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route (kinda): Relient K - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 17th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

My Kind of Christmas  - Christina Aguilera - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? Because WHOAOAOAOAOAOA OH OH OAOAOAOAOA OHOHOH WHOAWHOAHWOA WHOA OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: Christmas with Weezer - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 16th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

A Colbert Christmas  - Stephen Colbert (with Feist, Toby Keith, Willie Nelson, John Legend, Jon Stewart, and Elvis Costello)

COLBERT, WHY U NO LIKE STREAMING? Sadly, can’t find this album on Spotify/Rdio, just scattered bits around the web. So you can only find…
- (most of) these songs on this Youtube playlist
- Toby Keith’s “Have I got a present for you” on the Colbert Website
> > > (side note: check out the “related videos” for more clips from the special) 
- And Colbert’s & Elvis Costello’s “There are much worse things to believe in” on the Hype Machine

Trust me, it’s SO worth clicking these links.

Why so crack-tastic?  Colbert is easily one of the greatest gifts the Universe has ever given to us. Here he enlists some of the best singers to cover songs about toking up with Jesus (Willie Nelson), calling the angel hotline (Feist), the war on Christmas (Toby Keith), converting to Judaism (Jon Stewart), and licking “nutmeg” off the “ladle” (John Legend). It’s amazing, you guys. Amazing. 

Not your drug of choice? 
TOO BAD BECAUSE THIS IS ALL YOU’RE GETTING BECAUSE OF HOW AWESOME IT IS!
(And Celine Dion - Rdio | Spotify )

On the 15th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

A Green and Red Christmas  - The Muppets - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? 
“‘Zat You, Santa Claus?”
“The Man with the Bag.”
“Santa Baby” from Miss Piggy.
“North Pole Comedy Club” from Fozzie.
“Merry Christmas Baby” from this.
And the Swedish Chef sings!

Best album ever? Best album ever.

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: Glee: The Christmas Album Vol 2 - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 14th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

A Twisted Christmas - Twisted Sister - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic? 
“On my heavy metal Christmas my true love gave to me,
3 studded belts
2 pairs of spandex pants
and a tattoo of Ozzy!”

This shit is just fucking fun. 

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: “The Essential Now That’s What I Call Christmas” - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 13th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

The Magic of Christmas - Joy Electric - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic?  It sounds like Christmas in Super Mario World! Beep beep beep beep beepbeeeeep boop.

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: “Rockin’ Little Christmas” - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 12th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

NO HO HO: Alternative Indie Christmas Holiday Anthems - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic?  Name should really be “A Very Pretentious Christmas”, but I guess “alternative indie christmas holiday anthems” gets the same point across. Witness this collection of artists take classics such as “Frosty” to new levels of intolerability with excess instruments, drumming solos, and other insufferable “anything you can do, I can do better” tricks.

Bonus: ”I won’t have to tuck it behind me,
Since I got my brand new vagina.”

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: Glee’s Christmas album #1 - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify  

On the 11th day of December, my dealer gave to me….

Christmas with the Chipmunks - Rdio | Spotify

Why so crack-tastic?  Helium-induced hell.

Not your drug of choice? 
Try one of these:
The more traditional route: Jewel - Rdio | Spotify
A little bit of everything - Rdio
The Best Christmas Album Ever (TM) - Rdio | Spotify